Resources mentioned in this episode:

👉 Love Marriage Again Podcast with Dr. Chavonne Perotte

👉 Chavonne's Website

👉 Start The Profitable Practice Free Course Here

👉 Learn About The Profitable Nutritionist Program

Episode Summary:

I have another wonderful expert to introduce you to today. Having talented, genius friends I get to talk to and record our chat for you is where it’s at. And they call this work?! No way.

Welcome to the show this week, Dr. Chavonne Perotte. Chavonne is a marriage coach for couples, and also happens to be MY coach, which makes this episode even more juicier for you: Believe me, Chavonne has coached me on ALL the marriage bumps in the road, and she is so good at it. 

You do not want to miss the bombs she dropped in this conversation, especially in regards to the way your spouse THINKS they are supporting you, versus the way you think they SHOULD be. It’s so helpful.

Chavonne hosts the Love Marriage Again podcast which is definitely a must-listen for any married human…linked up above.

Enjoy!

Transcript:

Note: The transcription below was provided for your convenience. Please excuse any typos or mistakes the automated service made in translation.

Andrea Nordling 0:00
Hello and welcome back to the podcast friend of mine. You are in for a treat. Today. I am bringing on a good friend of mine Dr. Chavonne Perotte, who is also my marriage coach. Okay, we are talking all about the spouses today, specifically unsupportive spouses who just SPOILER ALERT might actually be supportive, just not realizing it. So it's a great conversation to be had with my number one, marriage coach, Guru friend, I thought I had to bring her on to share her wisdom with all of you about how to talk to your spouse, about your business, and your goals, and how to get on the same page, when it may seem that you're not on the same page. This is something that we coach about a lot in my program, it comes up a lot how to talk to an unsupportive spouse. And so I know how I coach on it. But I also knew that Shavon would have so much insight into this because she talks to couples all day long every day, and she doesn't just talk to one spouse, she coaches couples. So she talks to both of them. She has a lot to say about the perspective of the other side from our spouses as well. So without further ado, I'm going to just get into it. So you can hear from Dr. Chavonne herself. She's absolutely incredible. And although we do cover this at the end of the episode, I want to let you know that Shavon has an amazing podcast called Love marriage again. So if you are into this, you're going to need to go and subscribe to her podcast as well. And I'll also link up in the show notes here where you can jump on her website and where she's all linked up. Alright, enjoy my friend.

Andrea Nordling 1:36
So Chavonne I'm super excited about this chat today. Because I wish that someone had told me at any point in my business, I was gonna say the beginning of my business. Maybe just at any point in my business, it would have been nice to know that any questions my husband asked me about my business or any suggestions he made about it, maybe word him being unsupportive. And maybe he was just being supportive in a way that I wasn't anticipating or that I didn't see that way. And I'd see this come up a lot with my clients too. So I wanted to chat with you about it. You are like the All Knowing marriage guru in my life. I wonder if we'll have said this in our intros, but you are my marriage coach. And so we talk about this stuff all the time. And I was like, I got to talk about this in business too. Because my clients have a lot of questions about their unsupportive spouses, maybe they really aren't unsupportive?

Chavonne Perotte 2:30
I think it's such a fascinating question or thought to have and even as you were saying, like spouses asking questions, doesn't always equate to like doubt or lack of support, and especially knowing your spouse and like, that's just his brain, right. And so I think for anyone listening, that, the biggest thing that we forget, is that we have two different brains, with two different operating systems, two different sets of wirings. And two different ways of processing information. And when you can just look at that, factually, instead of layering on maybe some of your own doubt, some of your own insecurities, some of your own questioning of what you're doing, it becomes a much easier, dynamic set of interactions and conversations that you can have. Totally, totally, I also think that just business in general, opens you up to all of those insecurities and doubts about yourself in very short order. Like it's just a real quick, polar plunge into all of the feelings. self doubt, anyway, that's just what entrepreneurship does for us. And so we get hypersensitive about it. And have those doubts about ourselves already kind of under the surface, like, can I really do this? Is it worth it? Is this a good use of my time, all of those are already simmering. And then we kind of interpret any questions from our spouses or any suggestions that they make as them also dotting us or also doubting our decisions. I see this with my clients a lot since you are a business owner, too. What do you think was the biggest learning curve between you and your husband when you started your business? Oh, my gosh, we have lived 17 lives as a couple with me in this business. Right. So I'll just tell you quickly, the journey and the story and the lessons that I learned that I think will be so applicable to everyone listening so I started my business on maternity leave with our first daughter, I had been working for a company and sort of like, you know, got promoted and was at a very senior level right so you know, some of your listeners

Chavonne Perotte 5:00
We'll be in the same place of like, they have been working in a particular industry and maybe had a lot of success. And now they're starting from ground zero, and something that they're very passionate about. Very talented in. But there's a difference between like being talented in what you're doing and actually operating a profitable business. And so when I first started, my husband was super supportive, I wasn't really happy where I was working. And so he was like, for sure, let's like, you can be home with the baby, you can build your business. And I had all of the support in the world. What ended up happening though, and I would just offer this to anyone sort of struggling in this point where you know, your business isn't yet making the amount of money that you would like, maybe your family requires, that your spouse may like, and really sit down and have a plan. And I say that because what ended up happening was it was taking me longer to start making money in my business, yet my investments were exceeding the income and my husband's brained, very logical, very rational, could not understand that. And so it wasn't that he had issues with the investments I was making. It was just like, where is this money coming from to do it? And while you're building your business, I remember him suggesting, right, this goes to the suggestions of why don't you get another job. And I was like, what he doesn't believe they're gonna go my job like, this is like, if I get another job, then I'm not committed to this business, if I was making, pursuing other avenues of feeding my business mean that I wasn't committed to my business. And I will be honest, even as a marriage coach, it took me probably a year to get on board with that. And in the process of being so tunnel vision in my way of seeing things, and not being open to His suggestion, it cost us time in our own marriage enjoying each other. And it really put us at odds. And you know, yes, at the time, he was still covering all the bills, it wasn't even like he was saying, like, you need to get a job because I need you to pay bills, he was just saying, like, maybe there's another way to feed this business, rather than putting so much pressure on the business to make money. So you can continue to invest at the level that you would like to now in hindsight, I'm like, That's a brilliant idea. And I did ultimately get a part time consulting job with the company that I was working with before. And then literally, like my income began to like flip flop, right where it was, like, I was getting a certain proportion from working outside of my business, but then just not having that pressure enabled me to be more effective in my business. And so now I am full time, right full time in my business, making more money now than I was working. And so, you know, financially, it makes sense, right. And I think that's the piece that sometimes when we're sensitive about where we are, and we aren't feeling the level of success that we would like, we're very sensitive about things that just logically don't make sense to our spouses. And it's not at all an indication that they don't believe in us that they don't think we could eventually make it makes financial sense. It's just that the thought process and how we make financial decisions, looks different. And there have been many times over the course of my business where I've made financial decisions that my husband didn't agree with. And I had to be okay with that I had to be okay with tolerating some of that risk, and betting on myself to recoup that money. And that was an uncomfortable situation. But it was also just a great moment for me, and I offer this to your clients as well. It's gonna be weird to hear this from a marriage coach, because the message we get in society about marriage is that you have to be on the same page all the time. And I don't actually believe that belief system helps when you're not on the same page, right? It puts you against each other where someone is always losing for sake of trying to be on the home page. And I think there's a beautiful place where you can coexist and not being on the same page, still loving and respecting and accepting the differing perspective and operating in integrity with who you are and what you believe and what's important to you. And I think this is really important, especially for us

Chavonne Perotte 10:00
As women because later down the road, we hear so many people struggling in marriage, because it's like I gave up myself for this marriage, right? I never stood for what was important for me. And I want to teach you how to do that, while also maintaining the health and connection in your marriage. They don't have to be polar opposite things. Yeah. So as you're saying this, I mean, I, like my brain defaults to thinking about everything with the perspective of business, because that's just such a passion of mine. And I love it. And so like, how does that go when, like, everything's a nail, when all you have is a hammer everything. So I could like think of that. But as you were talking about that, I was remembering clients that I've worked with health and wellness clients, nutrition clients in particular, and them having this exact same experience with their spouses not being on board with the nutrition changes that they wanted to make in their household or with themselves. And so I'm seeing a huge parallel here for my clients, as they're thinking about their clients to and how this, like really shows up in lots of different areas. Yeah, it is. And I think like, whatever point where you're not agreeing, right, it becomes really important to have a level of insight, empathy, and compassion. And what I mean by that is, any changes that you are making, whether it's changing your career to start your business, or using your money in different ways than the ways you normally do or eating differently, and living your life differently, that for your spouse can be a very scary thing. Right? You have thought it through, right? You have sold yourself on whatever decision or direction you're going, they haven't. And so this change is scary. And I think like sometimes, especially us as women, when we're thinking about our husbands, because he's not going to say like, Hey, I'm scared, right? It's never gonna happen.

Chavonne Perotte 12:05
Right? You don't see that, right? But if you had like your child coming to you saying, like, Hey, Mommy, like, why are you doing this? And I'm scared and like, why aren't you here, like, our heart would leap out to that, and we would be insightful and understanding and compassionate. And I think like, for any resistance, or questioning or lack of understanding that your spouse may have with decisions you want to make, really being able to see like, Oh, this is coming from fear, this is coming from them not being comfortable with uncertainty, this is coming from a pretty significant shift in how they thought our life would be or how they thought, you know, our decision making process would be, and when you can just like tap into that, what it does is it doesn't make them an enemy, in the forward movement that you'd like to make, it becomes someone that you can understand where they have some gaps in their understanding. And when we can approach conversations that way, right, you're more likely to be more calm one. Also, really more patient, right? It's like and want you to think about and for many of you out there listening, like you probably have an onboarding process for your clients, right? Where you think about what is the journey I want them to go on? How can I create comfort and confidence in them? And where I'm about to take them? See with your spouse? How can you create comfort and confidence and where they're going. And I think when you approach it that way, like you just have a different level of conversation with them. Oh my gosh, completely. This has been so transformative. And working with you. This has just like the complete reframe, between Greg and I have, like, we're on the same team, we have the same goals. We both have different ideas about how we're gonna get to those goals. Let's like, take a step back. But we are on the same team. That's been so helpful. So I'm imagining people are listening to this. And they might have some questions about, I don't know how to articulate this, but something along the lines of like, How can I change this dynamic without him or her being on board? How am I supposed to create comfort for them? If they're not, like meeting me halfway or something like that? Can you speak to that at all? Sure. Yeah. I think the first part of that the first piece is really honest. Look at yourself, and what you're bringing to the table and those conversations, right? So just like we said, sometimes the questions that you might get from your spouse trigger your own doubts in your own insecurities. So you want to really take a moment to like notice, where am I feeling shaky? And some of this where am I doubting myself? Where am I not believing in myself and how can I just own my own stuff? Right? So that would be a really important part because it's going to change the energy that you bring to the exchanges and to that

Chavonne Perotte 15:00
dynamic. So when you can be okay with like, you know, yeah, I have some doubts, but I also have a lot of belief. And so my belief is enough for me. Right? And allowing that to be true for yourself. The second thing you want to do is, I think, really open the door to hear from your spouse. Right? And I think a lot of times when we have these conversations, they look like two way conversations, but they're really one way conversation.

Chavonne Perotte 15:33
Right? You

Chavonne Perotte 15:34
have at the end of this conversation, I want them to understand, understand is code word for do what I want them to do, right? Because the only reason you care for someone to understand is because you think their understanding is going to make them agree with you. Right. But you can also understand something and, uh, not agree. So I just want to, like, offer that to be clear, when you have a one way agenda in that conversation, right?

Andrea Nordling 16:05
Yeah, getting an insight into our actual coaching conversation.

Andrea Nordling 16:10
Like, you don't understand.

Unknown Speaker 16:12
Yeah.

Chavonne Perotte 16:14
Coaching for me, right? Like I have a real live marriage. That's like in process too, right?

Chavonne Perotte 16:21
So with that, right, in order to really train yourself to hear from your spouse, I recommend these things called listening sessions, where really you come to them with a question. And your only goal is to listen,

Chavonne Perotte 16:38
I want you to just pause for a moment and actually think about, what would that be like to just give your spouse the floor? Right? Here's something I'm thinking about, or here's something that I'm noticing, here's something that's happening? What are your thoughts? What do you like about this? What do you not like about this? What questions do you have? What concerns do you have? How do you feel? And being quiet until they answer?

Chavonne Perotte 17:08
Right? Being quiet into the answer, and continuing to pull out more and more, the most helpful thing you can say in a conversation with your spouse, sometimes is like, Tell me more.

Chavonne Perotte 17:24
What else, right. So having that conversation is going to give you data. And I say this all the time that like, whatever your spouse is saying, even if it's not politically correct, or diplomatic, or with the right kindness and tone and tenderness that we would like, it is still data. And so you want to take that data and decide what you want to do with it. Right? You don't have to agree with it, you don't have to respond to all of it, you don't have to convince him to think differently. It's just data for you to make a decision. And I think especially in business, we are always on the training ground to be a CEO, right. And so your partner is your team member, even if they're not on staff in your business, even if they're not a fan of your business, they're still part of the team, right? Because they're there. And so you want to take that data and in your own CEO leadership, decide what you want to do with it. And so something that was really helpful for me, and my own marriages, we were navigating our way through this is to just be clear about what was it that my husband actually expected? Right? So he is the saver in our marriage? I am not.

Chavonne Perotte 18:47
And so really sitting down with him, like, what is it that you want to see? And so we came up with an agreement of, okay, I would have this amount in personal savings, I would have this amount in liquid cash for the business in case something ever went wrong. And then anything beyond that I could invest. However I wanted to. Right. That was his suggestion. I took that as data and decided how I thought about it and what I wanted to do with it. And then I made decisions from there. Right. And so then we ultimately agreed, and then it was just like, Okay, any investment I made any decision I wanted to make with the business. There were no problems, no arguments, no conversations, we've established our baseline of like, where we were on the same page, and we went from there.

Andrea Nordling 19:40
Yeah, that's so helpful. I'm thinking back to my listeners know this, but anyone that's new. I have been an entrepreneur since I was 22. So I was all set to apply to the FBI Academy after I graduated from college, but you can't do that till you're 23 and I graduated college at 22. So had a year

Andrea Nordling 20:00
to figure out what I was going to do until I left for Quantico, and I started selling real estate. It's shockingly, I never quite made it to Virginia because selling real estate was really like my thing. I loved it, I got to be really good at it. It was so fun. So I've always had my own business. Even before I met my husband, I had my own company, I was growing my own brokerage by the time we got married. So he has always known this about me. But when I decided to dissolve that brokerage, we moved out of state for a different job for him. And I got interested in holistic nutrition and ended up opening up my nutrition practice. It was like starting over from scratch, and I was doing it online for the first time. So in my real estate days, everything had been organic marketing, everything was word of mouth, I didn't even have a website, and it worked really well. So I was good at getting clients. I was good at selling. I was good at all of that. But I didn't know anything about how to do it online. And so in my nutrition practice, I was learning all these new skills. And I was trying to figure out email lists. And I was figuring out online courses, and there was just all of this stuff that was like, fascinating to me. And I loved it, because I just loved business anyway. So online business was like, what, this is so fun that this

Andrea Nordling 21:09
was a total new universe. And so I was so excited about it. And I was talking about it to him all the time. And he did not give a shit about like, he didn't care. And I was like, Don't you understand this is like a whole world happening that you don't even know about where people are just selling things to strangers on the internet. And don't you understand how exciting this is, I don't think you get it. And and I was also like, super into the nutrition changes that we had made. Anyway, I was just a peach to be married to. And this is like the 2015 era, I'm thinking back on that like, oh my gosh, I was a lot. But all that to say it wasn't that like starting a business was different. Because like that had always been how I worked. I had never worked for anyone else. But this new stage of business as I was like, Okay, we're going to do this differently. And I'm going to do this differently. And I wanted to talk about it all the time. And I really wanted buy in from him on all of this excitement that I had. And he just didn't, he just didn't care. Like honestly, it just did not interest him at all. And I was so offended by it. For so long, I was spending all kinds of time and bandwidth, learning this stuff that was changing my life. And he just didn't seem interested at all. And I had a lot of judgment about that, and resentment about it. And I turned it around to him not supporting me, and not thinking I could do it. And thinking that I was spending too much time on XYZ things. And I made it mean a lot of things that it didn't mean, at the end of the day, he just really wasn't interested in talking about email funnels just didn't care. Yeah. And

Chavonne Perotte 22:33
it's so big, especially and I know, like, you know, for me, being a life coach, it's like, all I want to do is talk about like life coaching. I'm like reading marriage books all the time. And, you know, I'm like, wanting him to read it too. And he's just like, okay, like, that's not my thing, right. So I can't underscore the importance of just seeing it as it's just not his thing. It doesn't mean you're not his thing. It just means talking about nutrition and how food, you know, interacts with your body, or whatever you are enamored and talking with is not his thing. And that's okay. And when we are able to just notice that and step outside of that, we can also see how there's plenty of things that he wants to talk about that are not your thing, right my husband's way into the stock market. And same thing when he first started, he is a stock marketing coach, and he's in classes. He wanted to tell me all the details, and I want I'm not a math person. And the only part that was ever interesting to me was how much money did you make today?

Chavonne Perotte 23:44
And that's what we vibed on, right? So I want you to think about and I work with couples on this all the time. Because sometimes we get in these stale places of like, well, what are we talking about? These are the things I'm interested in, and they're not interested in this, and it's not a problem. What you have to do is really sift through and find what are we both interested in? What can we always connect on? What's always exciting for me to share and for them to share? Because sometimes the excitement of a conversation isn't as much about the other person's response, but it's about your excitement about it, right. And I think there's a way to like, honor what's true for you, and what you really are interested in talking about and sharing that with your spouse and not holding it against them that they're not turning cartwheels about it. I think it's also another reason why being a part of a community of other people who care about it just as much as you do and want to talk about it just as much as you do. It's so important because it relieves some of the pressure of your spouse needing to be that person that you talk about this with all the time. So I know you

Andrea Nordling 25:00
You know, we're part of a coaching community, Andrea, I know, you offer community for your clients. And so I just want to underscore the value of tapping into that finding a tribe of people doing sinking, wanting to talk about the things that you are doing, thinking about and wanting to talk about, because then it frees up your spouse from needing to be that person for you. Yeah, totally. So we just got back from meeting together in person with our mastermind group that were part of, and I just loved coming home and kind of reporting how the week had gotten to Greg. He's like, wait, what do you do there? And I was like, listen, here's what we do. We talk about our businesses, like all the time, we talk about all of the things that are sucking all the things that are going really well we coach each other super hard, we talk about our feelings, we say things that you would never want me to say to you. And we do it like 24 hours a day. And he's just like, I'm really glad that you have someone else to talk to you about that stuff. I said, so am i because you are not that person for me. You're just not like you. No, no, you don't have to be either. So it's not a problem. It's the best thing, the best thing. It is the best thing. Um, okay, I had one other question I that I thought of as you're talking that I'm spacing on what it was, was something about, like how to approach if your spouse, like is doubting the time that you're spending? I can't remember there was something you said that made me think of a question, but now I can't remember exactly what it was. But do you have any, like tips or tricks on time? Yes. Oh, my gosh, yes. That might be helpful. Totally. Right. So as you heard my story, I started my business on maternity leave, and then also had another child. So time and navigating life, being home with two kids was tricky. So here's what I want to offer you.

Chavonne Perotte 26:54
You want to first love how you're spending your time, right. And one of the things that's really important as you're building a business is to recognize that you're going to have this poll of belief that you don't have enough time, it's available to you whether you literally have 24 free hours in the day, or 24 minutes free in the day, right? It's a universal thought that is always going to come knocking at your door that you don't have enough time to do all the things you want to do need to do feel are required to do for you to build your business to the level that you want, okay? It's not true. It's just not true. You always have the time to do the things that are important to you. And so as you're negotiating time with your spouse, it's so important that you love the time that you're putting into it. That's essential, then it's being willing to be open minded and creative about how you create that time. All right, well, then I need clarification on one part of that. So when you say like loving the time that you're putting into it, do you mean love? Like your reasons for it? Or do you mean love what you're doing during those hours? What do you mean by Oh, those right? So for me right now, my typical workday is 11 to 330. And that's because now my kids are in school. And so I love that one because it feels like enough time to do the things that are important. And it also helps me maintain the balance of actually being present with my kids. Now, when they were newborns, right, or toddlers at home, it was very blurred lines, maybe there was nap time. But there are plenty of times where I'm trying to write an email. And they're like crawling in my lap, right? So depending on what stage of life you're in, you want to think about how do you want to spend your time in the day and maybe for some of you who might be still working a full time job as you're building your business. So when do you want to be working on your business? That's maybe a better question, when do you want to be working on your business? And like, what do you love about that? Like, what can you find that's good about that, that really works for you, even if it's not all the time that you would in a more ideal situation have? But like, what at a bare minimum? Do you want to be working in your business that you feel really good about? Right? The second is being creative about how to make sure you create that. So a lot of my clients struggle with whether they're entrepreneurs or not. Competition matches in time. I literally have a podcast episode on this where it's like, I need you here to do this right to watch the kids or to handle this thing while I'm over here doing this. And when you try to solve a time problem with only the two of you, you're going to be very limited and what you're able to do

Chavonne Perotte 30:00
because what happens is, you get into this competition match of like how I want to spend my time is more important than how you want to spend your time to your spouse. And I want to get you to a place where

Chavonne Perotte 30:13
how both of you want to spend your time is important. Even if how they want to spend their time scrolling on tick tock and Facebook, right, that's important to them.

Chavonne Perotte 30:24
They should have that time, if you want to spend your time attending a webinar or doing a class or a coaching call, or learning something that's also valuable important to you, right? Like, both of you deserve to have your time desires that, right. And so I always recommend how do we expand the resources to give us the time that we need? Does that mean we hire a babysitter? Does that mean we get someone in to watch the kids or whatever other thing is getting in the way. So you really have to be like super open minded to thinking about there's probably 20 different ways to have enough of the time that I want, right? Yeah, I remember this even my my business wasn't making a ton of money. And it wasn't really penciling out dollars and cents wise, probably that we hired a cleaner for our house. And that just was like a super honest conversation. I said, It stresses me out when the carpet isn't vacuumed. I like the lines in the carpet. That's like my love. Like,

Andrea Nordling 31:28
I really don't like it. But I don't want to do it. I have other things I want to do, such as watching webinars, creating webinars doing that kind of stuff. And I just wanted to know, he was like, oh, okay, yeah, whatever. And it wasn't like, I remember that being a really pivotal conversation because I went into it thinking like, I'm gonna have to really sell you on this. And he just didn't know that that was what I wanted, or that that would even be helpful in in terms of how I was spending my time. I guess the reason I say that is because I think that, like, we tend to assume that our spouses know how we spend our time or what we're doing and what what we wish we were doing instead even though we're not saying it or if we are saying it it's in the snarky meanwhile not being well received. Anyway, I just wanted to conversation thank you to it's gonna be this huge battle. And he was like, Yeah, let's do that. Okay.

Chavonne Perotte 32:15
Not a big deal. Am with us with the babysitter's we probably have three of them. Because I'm like, I don't ever want to not be at a time when I need to be doing something. I want to be doing something my business and I can't. And my husband works six days a week. Right? Yeah. So that was really essential for us. And I think like, just being willing to have those conversations, being willing to be creative. And also seeing like, even in what you just said, right, we started this with like the air quotes of unsupportive spouse really being willing to expand your definition of what supportive looks like. Yeah, right. So for me, sometimes that's just I remember, my husband would like take the kids for a car ride, just so they wouldn't be screaming and running around when I was trying to do a coaching call. Right now. Maybe he's not like turning cartwheels when I sign a client the way that I am. But that's still support, right? And so think like, just like we have the five love languages that tell us all the different ways. Let's create five support languages, right? Like, that's so guys not complaining, because sometimes not complaining is support. Right? They may not be giving you a high five, both the time and liking your you know, everything that's going on or like sitting in your webinar or whatever you're doing, right. But they're not complaining, right? Maybe they're carrying a lot of the financial load in the home. That support, right, like I literally could not have achieved what I've achieved in my business without my husband. There's no way right, not at this level in this time period. So there's that right there's, do they watch the kids or keep the kids out of your office? Because I know for us as moms, what our definition of like watching the kids is versus like a husband's definition. Watching the kids looks very different. I cannot be okay, right. He's sitting on his phone, and they're like, they're

Andrea Nordling 34:16
not in your office that's watching the kids that counts, right? And I think like, to the questions that you may get, right, if you can just look at them as a lens of all he's doing is just trying to make this make sense for him. Right? He wants your business to be successful. Yeah, he died. And honestly, I'm kind of thinking about that with the cleaning lady example. Because I went into that conversation and you talked about this earlier on this episode, when you said like, kind of check yourself on what your insecurities are and how you're like thinking that that's really what they're saying. And so I went into that conversation I'm reflecting on this, as I say it kind of processing as we go here that I went into that conversation, thinking I'm not bringing in like I'm not paying my

Andrea Nordling 35:00
Myself, from my business to our family finances every month enough to cover that. And so this isn't penciling out. And this is a big ask. And this is like, you know, seems really selfish. And I had all these judgments on it. So I was going into the conversation, assuming he was going to have the same thing. And really, he was like, Okay, sure. And then what he I'm sure was thinking, which I just realized, as you were kind of like saying this support languages, he was like, Finally, this is something I can do. This is easy.

Chavonne Perotte 35:29
This is finally something I can do. Here we go. Yes, I want to pause right there. Because it's so important. And this is what I know to be true from coaching tons of clients, your husband just wants you to be happy.

Chavonne Perotte 35:44
And any easy, quick, tangible thing he can do that count in my wife is happy bucket, he will do. And so it's exactly what you said, Oh, someone to clean. That's something that doesn't require much of me that I can do easily 100% to your satisfaction.

Chavonne Perotte 36:08
I'm winning. I have,

Chavonne Perotte 36:11
like, every single husband that I coach that I talked to their greatest desire is for you to be happy, when you know that you really can leverage that right? You really can leverage that. And I think back to this idea of like, supportive or not part of it is you really defining and being clear about what that is, right? So we can throw up the vague language of like, you should be more supportive, I want you to do something very broad. Versus I want you to take the kids once a week, for an hour, at this time, so I can do this thing. Right? I want you to be okay, when I make an investment, you can make that as a request, right, he can still consider it. But then even in that right, one of the things that I learned from a colleague of mine was, when we are making financial decisions on behalf of our business, it's really important to see your husband as an investor. Sometimes we just, I need to make you know, this investment and I want to buy this thing, or I want to, you know, sign up for this. And we just expect him to just blindly say yes, and then we're upset when he does it. But I want you to think about if you were going to a bank and soliciting them for hundreds or 1000s of dollars, you would come thinking about why would they want to like partner with me on this? Why would they be inclined to say yes, and endorse this request. And so I think sometimes it's important to think about that. And I know for me, especially as I was figuring things out in my business and not having much direction at all, I wanted to invest in everything. Because I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. So I was like, oh, this person says this, okay, I'm going, This person says that, okay, I'm going, which is why right, like just another plug for like finding your one coach that really just like, has everything and has marked out the path. That's how you want to build your business, which is, you know, where Andrea and I are in our coaching mastermind, it's like, we found our one coach, and I haven't needed to invest anywhere else, right? For my business, right? It's like, this is my one stop shop. I'm committed to this process, this method. And I think that has been so assuring to my husband, it's like, oh, you're not scattered all over the place doing 101 different things. And so you have to like just be willing to sit in his shoes and see it from his perspective and know that any concerns or questions, he has a really coming from him wanting you to be successful. Like there's no reason in the world. He wouldn't want that for you. Now, maybe his approach and what he thinks is the pathway looks radically different than yours. But really at your core. You both want the same thing. Yeah. Which is always the case. Otherwise, we wouldn't be married core. Yeah.

Chavonne Perotte 39:15
I think this is going to be so so helpful for so many people. Can you tell everyone where to find your podcast? I'll have it linked up in the show notes on my episode, but will you tell them where to find you? Yes. So the podcast is called Love marriage again with Dr. Savant. It is literally on every podcast platform. So just Google that and then type in your favorite podcast platform. You will find it wherever you're listening. Now just hop on over to that search bar. Type in Love marriage again with Dr. Shiva. You could just even like love marriage again. I'm sure it'll show up. You can find it there. And then for anything else, definitely hop on over to my website. Dr. Chavonne calm there. I have tons of

Chavonne Perotte 40:00
Things, tons of resources, and other things that you can download to support you. Awesome. Oh my gosh, and everyone go work with Dr. Cheban.

Andrea Nordling 40:09
That goes without saying as a very, very happy client, go work with her immediately.

Andrea Nordling 40:14
Happy husband. I just I love working with him. So she's like, next session, I want to talk about this. And I want to talk about that. And let's do this, right. So this week, we coached on not having enough time. This was another thing that I'll just like, I'll just add this in little personal bonus experience when she says, But no matter what your actual circumstances are, you're like, you don't have enough time that is 1,000% true. So we were coaching on time this week. Shivani was like respectfully, you have more time than anyone.

Andrea Nordling 40:49
But we always think that it's so crazy. It's always available. It is so crazy. Okay, this is so much fun, my friend. Thank you for just chatting, unsupportive spouses that are really actually probably supportive. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. If you look for it, it's 100%. There. It's been an honor to be here with you. Thanks for the invitation. course we'll have to do it again. Love that.